Eye of a Dreamer

I was Struggling without a comp for about a week...

Then one day.. a doodle dropped by...

Using just my phone.. and the software on it...i was able to open an eye...

An eye of a dreamer...

Take my Life...My Sacrifice

ah it is done..! the image was floating around in my mind for too long now... got to grab it and sketch it down..

well i could get very philosophical right now and write a lengthy script...or i could let you ponder..!

i prefer the middle ground... :)

well...its abstract... and idea was transfer of life and soul...
now from to whom is the part which can be debated......... ill leave that as a mystery...!

neway.. i had loads of fun making this one... didn't sleep one full night and spent two days on it...

original drawing : blue ink pen on paper
final picture : scanned and greyscaled.

PS : i found inspiration for this one in a conversation with my friend... he made me remember a special person... a very special person...

cheers.

Standing Tall

My latest scribbles....! Dont see a purpose... but i am one satisfied guy..!

Beatles - Across the Universe

This song is one of my favourites...
One day i came across the lyrics...still recovering...

Hey... listen to it before reading the lyrics. Here.




Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

A Festival of Lights Indeed

A Festival of Lights indeed

Standing in the dim porch on a festive dusk, chatting away and wishing all my friends on the occasion, I waited. It was a long drive across the city, dotted with explosions and a bright display of the might of fire. Standing in that porch, memories were streaming through me, like the clouds in a hill station, but only this time, these were warm memories. The last time I was there, it changed my life. There was so much energy there. I can still feel them. Everybody was excited, the festival was such. It was a pretty dark evening, and the porch was lit only by a handful of small lamps. But no amount of darkness could subdue the spirit on that day, it was a great day, a day of celebration. Everybody had the right to celebrate that day, and we were there to make sure just that.

As I stood there reflecting upon my past, the silence in my mind was shattered by the chorus of countless little voices. Their prayers rained upon us like a torrent from up above. It flooded the porch to exact for itself, a few moments of silence. Silence that made us think, of our purpose, of reality, of reason, and of the moment. A few moments after the prayer took up silence, it was time. I was standing there absorbing every single moment of it. After they finally reached downstairs to the gates, they poured into the porch and filled among us. For a moment, a hazy picture of a river gushing past tranquil rocks along its course emerged in my mind’s eye.

Through the torrent, a small hand landed in my palm, for me to gently hold. And as I did, memories coursed through me like electricity. I was taken back in time, to my previous visit to the place, to the bright evening, to the lovely energetic bounding souls that quenched my eyes. I was hauled back to reality by the gentle tugs of a little boy, whose voice reached me from in the darkness. It was time, time to sate the festival’s due. We grabbed a few fireworks to light them up, to bring light upon the dark porch. The next hour flew past like the images through a train window, dotted with bright bursts of fire and color, and equally bright faces of content and innocent awe.

The pace of the evening was now slowly taking a retreat. With the fireworks exhausted, the innocent but convincing little lamps made their presence felt. They were seen floating around in the porch in little and cautious hands, spreading light and spirit. Friends were bidding adieu, and others were catching up on each other’s lives. A corner of my eye caught a little girl being lovingly hugged and swung around. Moments later, the porch looked like the way it was before the festivities, the little ones had made their way back in. It was a moment of reflection for me. The events of the day were so profound. A lasting image had been etched into my heart. The porch was the same old porch, and we were standing in the same fashion as we were a couple of hours earlier. It was later in the night, but then, strangely, the porch was not as dark any more. It was amazing how much difference in perception the mind can have. It was as if little orbs of light and energy had blown away all the darkness from the porch, and even after they were gone, their radiance had left a lasting light in my mind.

The festival of lights has come and gone, but the spirit still remains….

The Throne

well... the throne.. if you can see it..

intention was to give life to a non living object...one that is coveted.
dawn of the dark throne, rising from the earth...


original is in blue ink.. but grayscaled it..

My Master

well.. this is another of my day class room creations..
a quick fire 10 minutes of scribbling on the book... to give life to the image in my head...

VTU Fest 2007 - The C-29 saga...

C-29

Hello mate… ever wondered what all that hoopla happening in campus was about? A small bunch of people chanting our good old college name near katté in high spirits, then just dissolving only to regroup chattering away just an hour later…! And yes, no one could have missed the Bulls are Back calls. My inside sources told me that it was audible even in the hostel buildings…! Even if you missed all this, you could not have missed the same bunch of people moving around campus in groups to every department parading a pretty large trophy. And if you missed all this, then you definitely were not in campus on that day, and yes, this is worth knowing about…let me start off then.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen… oops…Friends, Indians… and my fellow Bulls… lend me your ears…! For those not in the know of the recent commotion in college, I bring great news. It is with great pride that I bring to you this news of a magnificent victory, one filled with every emotion that you can possibly think of. The trophy that I had mentioned about previously was from the VTU Fest, held at SIT-Tumkur, from 25^th to 28^th of September. And since it was the largest trophy of the entire fest, I need not mention what it was for need I? 60 odd colleges, 4000 thousand strong crowd, and one mega… MEGA…youth festival. Every time I catch a good memory of it, I relive the moment, and when I relive the moment, it’s like the feeling of dissolving into a rock concert crowd...!

For the team that represented college, the trailblazers, the fest did not start on the 25^th; in fact it started almost a month earlier. The backbreaking training that the various teams went through was for one and one reason only… to reach glory, and beyond. And that my friend we did, in style. In my honest opinion, it would take me four full days to paint a picture of those four days in Tumkur. But, since this article cannot go on forever, I might miss a few details. Pardon me team, if I miss anything that you think I should not have. From night outs in our college to night outs in SIT, it’s been like a “been there done it all…” experience… if you know what I mean! If you guys can remember, like for a week before the actual VTU Fest, the MPH always had some activity or that other happening every afternoon. Well those my friends were the humble beginnings of a gigantic tide.

Well the fest was about cultural events. Music, dance, theatre, literary and fine arts, these were the categories the events were sorted out into. And for four full days and nights, the whole campus was one buzzy place. For each individual event, a team of bulls toiled to perfection. Then again, I should remind you, the fest was not just about winning. It was a little bit of everything, and a whole lot of fun. And especially with the whole bunch of guys sleeping on campus in class rooms, you can only just imagine the possibilities. Having past scores to settle with other colleges, practice for the events, helping out other teams with preparations, running around cheering for our performing teams, keeping track of slots allotted to us, following the points board, and with our horns locked onto the prime targets, the four days were a blaze.

The fest started off really slow on day one. And after the score sheets were displayed at the end of day one, the energy was low in the team. One special feature that I noticed about this fest team was that it had been through all the emotions by the time the big baby was in our hands. But through thick and thin, the team held through, and by the end of the fourth day, no other team was as strongly bonded as ours. But that was just the first day; the remaining three were such a stark contrast to it. “The team will synergize once we start winning...” I got that from one of us on the team. And man, he got that bang on. Because from the second day on, there was no looking back for the team, we just sailed through to the finish line. I must also let you guys know that the BMS bunch in that college this time around was a fairly small one. But heck, we are the bulls. And in royal style, every where we went, people recognized us. Even if it were just three or four of us, as against the norm of the entire team from college, people would turn around to recognize us. That’s something to remember. And need I say that we were undisputedly the noisiest and most enthusiastic crowd there..? Every time a result was announced, and we ended up getting into the top three, you could always find out where the rest of the team is by trusting your ears!

It was not all a smooth sail either, there were moments where people lost it completely due to debatable evaluation and when hopes came crashing down. Then again, the team stuck together and held each other up gracefully. Ultimately, it was the experience of being there and giving it your all that really mattered. We were there to prove ourselves first, to make sure that our vision materialized. Once we achieved that, we could just laugh away these minor annoyances. More over, once we saw our college right on top on the leader board, energetic chants and slogans followed. All the lung power put together created a cascade of overwhelming noise, which washed away all that was not needed from our minds.

This time the team had come prepared. We had a really efficient student event documentation expert amongst us. You could also call him a photographer! One could always find him running around gathering images with many gadgets in his backpack. He claimed that his backpack was the most expensive one of the whole troop, and for the right reasons..! His prime motive was to freeze those moments in time which we will cherish forever. From the winding bus journeys to all the happier moments on campus, he has them all… in his backpack!

The final orientation program on the last evening was moment to remember. The entire team came down from the holding quarters like a snake, quite literally. We snaked our way down two floors one behind the other to catch everyone by surprise. Then we entered the auditorium to attend the prize distribution ceremony. Those moments were the pinnacle of all our efforts, for in those moments, we struck pay dirt. All of us went ballistic as and when the individual event prizes were given away. And for the big daddy trophy, the entire team found itself perched up on the stage standing shoulder to shoulder, then letting every single soul present there know just one thing… Bulls are Back… Bulls are Back…

Later we found our team and MSRIT team cheering and dancing together. This was exactly what the fest was about, cut throat competition, but super glue unity…

It was now time for the total chill out back in the holding quarters. The music team did its magic again by playing dandy beats to which all our souls danced. Later after that having done, along with the numerous photos of the smothered trophy, we packed and loaded the bus for the journey back home. It was a very memorable outing, especially for the outgoing batch. I saw many eyes drowning in tears of joy, and many that spoke a thousand tales. Many were lost in reflection, in worlds filled with memories. Memories which inspire, memories which bring back to you all the good old times…as for me, I was cherishing every single moment there, cause I knew for sure that those few days of my life will stay with me for a long long time to come.

Many souls, Many dreams, One college, One aim, One life…

The gold is back home where it belongs…

PS: There are a lot of funky details and incidents that I have deliberately left out from this article, cause it would not sound ethical to mention them on mass media… my invitation would be for you people to get inquisitive and mingle with the fest teams… and trust me.. they will have motherloads to tell..!

Terrorism

well..cant say much about this one, im really tired... it peaks profoundly for itself im sure...

Hurray..!!!!!!!!

Yeah baby...! It was my very first outing with photoshop...and boy am i over the moon or what..!!

This is soo coool..!!!! I know that its pretty average composition... but heck....! its like a HUUUUGE deal for me..!!!!

Just no words comin out to express the joy.. neway.. please pull in ur feedbacks on what you think about it.. ! It might help me make a better one next time...

I still have to work on the tee-shirt... we have some desperate ppl on the team... including me..!

well .. yahooo..!!!

Blue Mozaic...

Ah..! Been quite some time since I last posted something over here...
something is coming up pretty soon I am sure...

Well here is something that I was working on in class... one full hour just flew while making it!
Was really a blinder.. I had no idea what i wanted to do actually. Just started off on a piece of paper...Guess im headin the abstract way these days...!

Always everyone whom I showed it to said that it was nice... well it isnt supposed to be anything if you ask me...! Im still wondering what made me make this one... Was it the mosaic of thoughts that were running through my head... or was it something else...? Cant say for sure...!

Was actually funny... i used like four different pens to make this one...Was plucking pens off peoples hands who were sitting around me while they were seriously taking down notes..
haha..!

Neway.. i feel even the most abstract creations hold deep meaning.. meaning which can only be brought about by the beholder's intricate yet beautiful mind...

Cheers....

Gloomy Sunday...

Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday...

Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday...

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday...


This song is one of the rare few ones that have grabbed my mind totally....
Also.. what impressed me more was the legacy attached to it... look it up on google... ull see what i mean...

listen to it here, while you absorb the mystical lyrics... Gloomy Sunday.

Guardian Angel...

Guardian Angel...

This happened quite some time ago, but yet, it has left a very big impact on me. It feels like I saw those bright gleaming faces just yesterday! I’m an atheist... and by a thumb rule don’t believe in anything I can’t see. So guardian angels are not an exception. But that day, I was made to think otherwise.

It was just another long and draining day at college. Things look really grim at the end of such days; the heat just sucks out all the energy in you. All I wanted then was to troop back to my room and just die on my bed... well to be resurrected later for dinner that is...! But then I met up with Harsha and our very own VJ (aka rekha sometimes)... they informed me that in the evening, a visit to the orphanage opposite college was planned... Now that was an interesting turn of events that shook me out of my virtual slumber. I had never been to an orphanage before, nor had I pictured them. My parents had been to them a couple of times before, and every time, mum used to come back and get very emotional. So nothing actually pointed to a jovial picture all the while. Anyway, I was soon to find out.

Well there’s no point trying to avoid things that are right before you. I have been avoiding orphanages all this while, either by choice or indirectly... and yes, there’s always a first time for everything. So I did decided to accompany them, to see for myself, that which I had never beheld. It was time and we met up with a few other people, I was surprised to find Velu among them. Niki and Smitha had also come along. We passed through two big gates, at the second one we were greeted by a security guard, who was at a pretty ripe age for the job. As we enter, with a flurry of expectations running through my mind, a very energetic picture explodes into my eyes. We had entered the play area of the complex, and there were kids all over the place...! The orphanage is situated over and behind a juice shop called East-West, it’s the one place where all things that should not happen in college campus, happen… take smoking for beginners. Anyway, I have been to that place quite a few times, strictly for juice and kulfi sticks..! But never had I given a thought about the dwelling upstairs. I was amazed at how the choked traffic had muffled all the chirping voices from up here.

A few of us had been there for the first time. Harsha and Velu had been there like many times before. The moment the kids saw us, many of them rushed towards us, with broad smiles and lit faces…! I was taken aback by the nice welcome we received, for I had not expected any… It was a very special welcome I must say, for I had never felt that way before. I felt relieved that my first glimpses of an orphanage were one of energy and joy, and not otherwise, as I had dreaded.

The kids were really young, all aged between 5 and 8 probably. They looked like the little bubbles in a cola, very effervescent and always brimming with energy. They easily recognized the ones from out set whom they had seen before and flocked around them. A couple of kids came near me and hugged my legs… I felt like I was with my cousins….! The moment they touched me, something changed. I was no longer an outsider. I was in love with the kids. It’s no national secret that, as much as I categorically detest all that kids do, I just love them..! I just squatted on the ground to make myself more accessible to them; it was a wonderful feeling to interact with those children. Not only were they energetic, they were very smart too…! They just came up to us and started chattering away with their childish wit. Within no time there were just too many faces around us to concentrate on and respond to…! They could look at our watches and tell the time. And even keeping up with technology, they asked us to shine the lights in out watches…! One thing that really surprised me was when they started feeling our pant pockets for cell phones and then asked us to take their pictures with the cameras on it…! They were so amazed when VJ showed them their pictures on her phone, I was just plain laughing at her loss of control over the situation….hehe..! I wonder what these kids would have to say about the ban on usage of cell phones in our college..! We even poked fun at Smitha for not knowing kannada…! These children did get an education and had a special school attached to the centre.

Through all the awe, I did manage to speak with the kids, asked them stuff which I would consider silly, if I think about them now. They started reciting rhymes and songs for us. And then it was snacks time. Someone brought in a bag full of sweetened wafers for the children. The next thing you now, the children are all around us offering a share of their sweet goodies..! We just could not accept it… it was solely meant for them. I had to open a few of the wrappers for them because their little fingers were too supple for the tough plastic. Through all the amazement, realization finally settled in. The children also told an untold story, their very existence there had a grim story behind it. Beyond their broad smiles and sweet voices, their eyes had a different story to tell. You could clearly see the longing in them. There were signs every where, all the kids had the same hair cut, as short as possible, well for the practical cause of managing them easily. Their entire life had been built upon charity.

These children had for all the unfortunate reasons, become a burden. Their existence was shunned at one point. It’s their luck which had shown them the way to this place, there are scores of others who are not as fortunate. Those who don’t make it to safe houses as these live horrid lives, abused, uncared for, and left to fend for themselves. These children reminded me of the fragile saplings found on the forest floor… Born of giant trees, but not cared for. They are open to danger in so many forms and insecurity rules their existence. Only luck will see them soar and grace the canopy to kiss the skies…

These children need a guardian angel looking over their shoulders, for it is this angel, who will guide the saplings to sunshine… through all the rough times. I still say that I am an atheist… but I did see the guardian angels that day, the caretakers, who had dedicated their lives to running that sanctuary. They are the true spirits, not the lifeless pieces of idols that people blindly submit themselves unto. These angels are special, they don’t just appear in the scriptures, but rather exist among us, doing good deeds and really making a difference. I salute thou…

By now it was late in the evening, it was almost time for the kids to go indoors and commit themselves to the evening prayers. It was pretty cloudy then. The children started trooping back inside the main building, and it was time for us to bid adieu…One of the boys standing near me looked at the skies and said to me, “It looks like its going to rain, may be you should get back to your home quickly before you get wet…”, and then he disappeared into the dark hallway leading to the inside. Those words were ringing in my ears and I kept looking in his direction… He mentioned home, what an irony…. What an irony indeed…

Doodles to sketch...

A sudden sketchin fever had struck me a few days ago...
It shared the same zeal as when i blog...
So thought it would be a good idea to put it up here...
Its a very badly ascpected photograph of the actual thing... it looks better on paper trust me...

I hit upon the idea in class.. it took birth as a harmless doodle in the midst of a boring lecture...
But then some switch had flipped inside of me... it had been many years since i had actually sketched something with so much interest. Anyway, it took two days of effort to make it...

Nothing much to say about the picture, cause it is very abstract, the beholder's eyes will do all the explanation required...

Hope to make many more...

Broken Mirrors Can be Fixed

Broken Mirrors Can Be Fixed...

Everybody yearns for that little skip of a heart beat...that instantaneous sensation of breathlessness, that one real moment when you are swept off your feet...it's so sweet, you could put it as sweet pain if you like to! No, im not talking about someone scaring the crap out of you, but this sensation is a very special one. Is it by nature.. or is it just infatuation? I Wonder... I believe its one of the most influential emotion in every guys life...

You are dissolved in a mystic world of day dreaming, and then suddenly u see her in your mind's eye...For one frivolous moment life comes to a stand still. There you are, seemingly doing absolutely nothing, but then inside, you are drowning, drowning in her eyes...! Aah... life is good! And then after a few moments of rarefied suffocating joy, you step out of it all...back to where you are supposed to be. And then with a deep sigh, you move on. What is it about her that makes me dizzy...? The very thought of her puts a whirlwind into my heart...Will I every be able to discover...? Hmm... thats a tough one..! I suppose I would run short of words in this effort... But Im sure its not just me... The mind is such an unfair mechanism...! It gives you the sweetest of pleasures in such little instalments that you never stop yearning for more...it's an eternal quest...

Years have passed now... life has kept me busier than ever. It feels strange now that I had been through all this...but no, im not ashamed. Im glad I see more meaning to things now, more vibrance in all the images life has to offer, more sonata in all the voices that I hear. But I have nothing to hide, I still cherish that little skip of my heart which takes me to another world, even after everything that happened, those which shouldnt have.

Theres one thing that all life always seeks, and thats companionship. The quest for the perfect companion can even sometimes take a lifetime. What amazes me is the amount of learning we get to do in this quest. The past few weeks have been really traumatic for a few friends of mine.. whom i would not like to name. Its all about relationships. How they keep them, and how they lose them. It all just goes on to prove that even the sweetest of things life has to offer, has the most bitter seeds impregnated in them. Everything boils down to us, our efforts and how we handle situations. It is customary here for the older generation to warn us of our age. They iterate that we are vulnerable at this age, and that a life can be either made or destroyed very effortlessly. But then, it is also customary here for the more snazzy and hip younger generation to brush aside these seemingly ridiculous cautions, and to move on with our lives. Why cant we cash in on their wisdom..? What if they are right...? I guess its our age indeed, we are too stubborn to accept matters we are not comfortable with... Well I say it again, its a learning process.

What do we seek in a companion...? Its the basic few magical quantities... Compassion, Love, Friendship, and all the other mushy stuff you can think of. But then hold on... any living body is capable of sharing these magic potions, cause its hidden inside all of us. Its only a matter of effort in bringing out these qualities. But then hold on again... its not only about the effort, its about the zing, which sets your pulse racing, and your heart skipping..! Yes friends, its a very strange medley indeed...! But then, it happens to all of us, and has been happening so for almost an eternity. Where has all the wisdom been archived then...? If humans were to boast about their efficiency, then by now, all relationships would have been unbreakable...

Alas...! The phrase..." im only human" doesn't come without meaning. In fact its the problem and even the solution in itself...Our minds are the strongest as well as the weakest parts of our existence. And when a turmoil as this hits it, trippings do tend to happen. All things are going fine for a while and then misgivings begin to crop up...and before you know it, happy teenage companions are seen parting ways, with a heavy heart and days of remorse to follow... But why...? When they first fell in each others arms, did they just make a proposal for a few months of glory..? It would be very depressing if it were that way...Finding the right companion is one of the most important stepping stones of life, and short lived glory finds no place in this quest...

The way I see it, a relationship is a complex game of sacrifice and co-operation, the rules of which you will learn with experience. It takes two hands to make some noise, and there is no exception to this. Every aspect of a relationship is guided by the involvement of both the persons involved. To put it straight, I definitely dont endorse blame games. Because I know and I am sure that every person has a hidden strength and aura, its called will power. However bad be the reality at ground zero, our deliberation has to be strong enough to fish us out of the eye of the hurricane. This magic potion can work magic in innumerable ways, and history has no dearth of examples to help me present my case. Our fast paced lives have such a big impact all the facets we go through. It has even become possible for a dismayed scream of agony to be presented with a blank and emotionless face these days.

Where is the communication? Is it not possible to make someone understand your emotions or feelings...? Why dont people just try...? I strongly ridicule their impatience. A hasty approach in matters as these will only be greeted with barren and cold loneliness. Only perseverance and patience will take you to the gates of Eden. I also believe that teenage relationships are the ones that prepare you for the big one later in life. Some people are lucky enough to cherish their first heart throbs as their soul mates, but most are not. And I dont expect all of them to be perfect too. As I have mentioned before, its all the knowledge that you gain that matters. I only wish my friends dont sensitise issues that they share with their loved ones, cause it is just too early in life to put an end to things. Theres a lot more to be seen and learnt, which you may have never even thought of. Life is short my friends, I see absolutely no point in wasting your energy on bouts of remorse or depression.

I may not be the ultimate authority on guidance in matters such as these, buy my friends, I do understand, and I do want to help. Please take it easy... I may also not be qualified in saying all this, but I feel every broken mirror can be fixed. You should not allow an image of yourself to be shattered, its like letting yourself down. Kindly put the pieces together my friends, and I assure you, if you really are true to your companion, then the skip of your heartbeat, that you so rejoice, will pump a new and vibrant life into the image that you behold in it... I only wish for all my friends to cherish their heart throbs, until the last beat, and beyond...

Cheers!

I deserve it all...

I deserve it all…

Six bare walls have kept me company, for how long I may not be able to decipher. These walls have been watching my every move of agony, listening to every cry of pain, and every mumble of madness. Time seems to be my only enemy right now. For how long I have been held here I cannot tell. I cannot remember the last time the sun shined its warmth upon me, or the starry sky filled my eyes. Oh, it has been such a torment, such a disaster. A truthful mirror on the wall shows me horrors words cannot express. For whenever I look onto him, I see a soulless cadaver, staring at me. The strangest part of this all; I totally deserve to be where I am.

There was a time, when I was free. There was a time, when I experienced all of life’s glory. And yes, there was a time, when I have been a hideous monster. Oh, my memories, are they my only respite as of now? Or are they going to eat me alive? Treading the path of my history has become a painful affair. Happier memories are overpowered by the agony I caused. As if by karma, I am reaping the fruits of my deeds, fruits that are the most bitter, most unpleasant, and most punishing. As I look upon myself, and then gaze into the depths of my hollow, deep and lifeless eyes, I am reminded. I see those same eyes I once stared into, those belonging to the may I have sinned upon. They were drenched with fear and drowning in horror. Those very eyes that I carelessly ignored back then are here to haunt me now. They stare upon me. Every glance sends a million arrows at my cruel heart. I feel them all around me, they are everywhere. Every passing day, they get closer. They get so close at times that I can hear their screams of suffering and cries for help. Oh, it haunts me. But then I realize that I totally deserve it.

As I aimlessly drift within my confines, like a very persuasive thought that bounces around in your mind, I sometimes find myself talking to someone. A sudden brush with reality sends me running to a corner. Was there anybody with me? I sure cannot see them, but then I hear very distinct voices. Have I lost it finally? Have I been broken? I really cannot tell. My only comfort is in the knowledge that I am in a very safe place right now. There are many people out there who seek vendetta on me, and they truly have the right to do so. So until my day comes, which is not far away, I hope not to see anyone. I cannot trust anybody; I am gripped with this sudden fear for life. This fear I did not know of when I was a free man. The fear is eating me alive. Every passing minute that leads me to my reward, I am rattled. Oh, I cannot even beg for mercy, because I deserve it all.

Sometimes I wish for madness. I wish that the same insanity that infested my mind before, when I was a free man, return. Because I have realized that repentance is a much bigger pain to your heart. I hope for the insanity so that my conscious mind is lost for ever. I wish not to feel anything, not to dwell on the pain and suffering. I wish to be carefree, and at the mercy of fortune. I really hope not to be able to think, as the thoughts that are flashing on my mind are leaving behind painful scars. I hope to pass these last few moments of my life as another person altogether, as my only solace. I even hope for heaven and hell to be untrue, so that I am presented with peace after my reward is conferred. Oh. I have been reduced to such cowardice. I deserve all this.


I cannot take any more of this. I really can’t. My moment is coming soon; it’s the time when I reap the reward. Three peace wrecking knocks on the metal door, and I am informed. My mind is torn apart. On one side I breathe a sigh of relief that the torment is finally over and I shall be set free for eternity. On the other side though, my fear for life corrodes my mind from the inside out. As I finally walk towards what destiny holds for me, everything around me seems inexistent. A few last wishes are offered, but they make no difference. My mind is at the peak of its activity, it has never been so dizzied with compelling fear and thoughts. It’s an overwhelming experience; words cannot express the immensity of the grave thoughts. They are so strong in my head that they overpower me and my physical self gives way. Between lapses of consciousness and the other side I finally arrive at the place where I would breathe my last.

As I stand on a well illuminated platform, staring at the serpentine noose, my whole life flashes in front of my eyes, it’s as if it would be possible for me to reach out and grab them for one last time and hold them close to my heart. I am glad that only happy memories are gracing their presence at this moment. I remember everything from the very beginning. My childhood, my friends, my first teenage kiss, my closest moments with my family, the parting with my parents, they were all coming back to me at the same time. Mentally I am in a different world, totally unaware of the events unraveling around me. I can hear a faint prayer, and I notice a priest trying to calm me down, but I am in no capacity to understand any of the holy verses. I finally find myself all set for the end. My head swallowed by the serpent, but my soul struggling to tear away. The ground below gives away, and in the free fall, time stops. One last thought flashes in my already saturated and tired mind, I deserved this, and it’s over now…

[ As I see it through the eyes of a truly guilty person placed in solitary confinement and facing the death row. ]

The shadow lingers still...

The shadow lingers still…

When tragedy strikes, it strikes not just once, but hits you innumerable times. It batters you like the storm on a barren rock. The droplets of sharp memories are like daggers that pierce your mind persistently. Whether you are the conscious self or the subconscious counterpart, you will not be spared. Such a torment can be magnified to many a times, especially when the tragedy that strikes emulates itself in the form of a loss. A loss so profound, that it can scar you forever. This loss, which almost every one of us inevitably has to go through, is such an unfair blow to us. It takes away form us, all that it took for us to be who we are. That tender love, that care, and yes, that dedication. Friends, this great tragedy that I refer to is none other than the loss, the great loss of a person whom few of us take for granted. This special person is the foundation to all our lives. It is this person, who showed us this world. I refer to none other than the person whom we call mother.

In the recent past, I was made to digest the terrible news that a good friend of mine had to live this horror. The moment I heard about the unfortunate event, a dizzying number of thoughts struck me. It had a very profound effect on me and my outlook on many a matter. My most gut wrenching moment was when I imagined myself in his shoes. That was when rebellious thoughts arose; conflicting views and counterviews were at war in my mind. There was one part of me which spoke of the nature of the event. Demise being an inevitable factor of our existence, shouldn’t cause much of an analogy. But this loss is so immense and so profoundly felt that, it just cannot be put into a rational perspective very easily. What we face here is abandonment. It’s like trying in vain to reacquire something that has just slipped away from your hands, and is floating away from you slowly and steadily. You try and chase it, but are only presented with failure.

Why, I ask myself, why is it that this mishap in particular causes so much of a torrent in my veins? Why do I feel like some part of me has just left me forever? My fingers turn cold and lifeless, fearing that no one can warn then up again gently. As I float unconsciously from room to room, I am hit by a barrage of memories; memories of a person who is so dear to me, but who I cannot see anymore, except with my mind’s eye. My whole life associated with this person is flashing before my eyes. Every single detail brings me an inch closer to her, but then the very next second, reality pulls me back farther away from her like the powerful ocean tides. Every trinket of detail I recall brings me a small speck of joy; it makes me cherish my life thus far. But then it doesn’t stop there unfortunately, as it also brings upon my soul, the deepest sorrow. I bury myself so deep that only time and experience can dig me out of it. Every single action that I do in the coming days makes me reflect. My mind takes me back to a time bygone; a time where once I had a protector, a guardian angel who always watched over me. My senses feel her absence so profoundly that they are desperately trying to tear away from my body in search of her. I am shattered. Suddenly, I am brought back to reality and I gently step out of his shoes. I just lived a horror that I should not have, but I’m glad that I did. I only hope that when he inevitable happens to me; I’m prepared for it and wont be reduced to a miserable moral wreck.

Is it fair? Why do things have to be this way? A little thought shows me another world that I had never seen before. I realized that we all deserved the tender care and love. We were destined for it. But we fail to the most part in absorbing the temporary nature of our existence. Our strongest and weakest parts are our minds. They can very easily be overcome by emotions. Especially under such circumstances, we stand no chance. But then is all this pain and sorrow the right direction? Many people may have different views. But then I have realized that this is the path for change. I feel that this is nature’s way to heal a hurt soul. The mind had tremendous powers to heal itself, it only needs stimulation. By subjecting it to repeated stresses, nature makes it hard and capable to withstand and digest tragedies easily in the future. But this is as rational as you can put it, for the mind is not a rational existence in itself!

An event of such proportions is a very drastic turning point in your road of life. It is like walking on the road amongst the woods that sheltered you from the elements thus far, and then one day being shown the way out of it, only to discover that what lies ahead is nothing but, a barren desert, dotted with scars of memories, on whom when you step, puts your mind into a state of turmoil. Only time has all answers that you seek. I could not face my friend who was bereaved in his mother’s demise. I couldn’t even speak to him, as I was at a loss of words. I am still at a loss of words at this moment. There are feelings beyond words that take shape only in the mind and cannot materialize in any other form, apart from a change in your heart’s rhythm. My friend, I have no words to express my grief, for I have lived your tragedy too. Please forgive me, my friend, if I haven’t done enough. This may be considered as a grossly rational depiction of such a sentimental event of monumental proportions. But my friend, this is how I seek to protect myself, when the inevitable hits me too.

I have realized that the guardian angel hasn’t left to anywhere, she has only left this materialistic world and stepped into another world full of joy and wonders. Her soul thoroughly deserves all the rest it can get, for she has relented thus far to make us who we are. She is still watching over our shoulders, with the same dedication. So fear not and worry not my friend. We are not alone, and never shall be. But such an unfortunate event has cast a shadow, over our minds. I pray that at one fateful dawn, this shadow departs.

But for now, the shadow lingers still...