I deserve it all…
Six bare walls have kept me company, for how long I may not be able to decipher. These walls have been watching my every move of agony, listening to every cry of pain, and every mumble of madness. Time seems to be my only enemy right now. For how long I have been held here I cannot tell. I cannot remember the last time the sun shined its warmth upon me, or the starry sky filled my eyes. Oh, it has been such a torment, such a disaster. A truthful mirror on the wall shows me horrors words cannot express. For whenever I look onto him, I see a soulless cadaver, staring at me. The strangest part of this all; I totally deserve to be where I am.
There was a time, when I was free. There was a time, when I experienced all of life’s glory. And yes, there was a time, when I have been a hideous monster. Oh, my memories, are they my only respite as of now? Or are they going to eat me alive? Treading the path of my history has become a painful affair. Happier memories are overpowered by the agony I caused. As if by karma, I am reaping the fruits of my deeds, fruits that are the most bitter, most unpleasant, and most punishing. As I look upon myself, and then gaze into the depths of my hollow, deep and lifeless eyes, I am reminded. I see those same eyes I once stared into, those belonging to the may I have sinned upon. They were drenched with fear and drowning in horror. Those very eyes that I carelessly ignored back then are here to haunt me now. They stare upon me. Every glance sends a million arrows at my cruel heart. I feel them all around me, they are everywhere. Every passing day, they get closer. They get so close at times that I can hear their screams of suffering and cries for help. Oh, it haunts me. But then I realize that I totally deserve it.
As I aimlessly drift within my confines, like a very persuasive thought that bounces around in your mind, I sometimes find myself talking to someone. A sudden brush with reality sends me running to a corner. Was there anybody with me? I sure cannot see them, but then I hear very distinct voices. Have I lost it finally? Have I been broken? I really cannot tell. My only comfort is in the knowledge that I am in a very safe place right now. There are many people out there who seek vendetta on me, and they truly have the right to do so. So until my day comes, which is not far away, I hope not to see anyone. I cannot trust anybody; I am gripped with this sudden fear for life. This fear I did not know of when I was a free man. The fear is eating me alive. Every passing minute that leads me to my reward, I am rattled. Oh, I cannot even beg for mercy, because I deserve it all.
Sometimes I wish for madness. I wish that the same insanity that infested my mind before, when I was a free man, return. Because I have realized that repentance is a much bigger pain to your heart. I hope for the insanity so that my conscious mind is lost for ever. I wish not to feel anything, not to dwell on the pain and suffering. I wish to be carefree, and at the mercy of fortune. I really hope not to be able to think, as the thoughts that are flashing on my mind are leaving behind painful scars. I hope to pass these last few moments of my life as another person altogether, as my only solace. I even hope for heaven and hell to be untrue, so that I am presented with peace after my reward is conferred. Oh. I have been reduced to such cowardice. I deserve all this.
I cannot take any more of this. I really can’t. My moment is coming soon; it’s the time when I reap the reward. Three peace wrecking knocks on the metal door, and I am informed. My mind is torn apart. On one side I breathe a sigh of relief that the torment is finally over and I shall be set free for eternity. On the other side though, my fear for life corrodes my mind from the inside out. As I finally walk towards what destiny holds for me, everything around me seems inexistent. A few last wishes are offered, but they make no difference. My mind is at the peak of its activity, it has never been so dizzied with compelling fear and thoughts. It’s an overwhelming experience; words cannot express the immensity of the grave thoughts. They are so strong in my head that they overpower me and my physical self gives way. Between lapses of consciousness and the other side I finally arrive at the place where I would breathe my last.
As I stand on a well illuminated platform, staring at the serpentine noose, my whole life flashes in front of my eyes, it’s as if it would be possible for me to reach out and grab them for one last time and hold them close to my heart. I am glad that only happy memories are gracing their presence at this moment. I remember everything from the very beginning. My childhood, my friends, my first teenage kiss, my closest moments with my family, the parting with my parents, they were all coming back to me at the same time. Mentally I am in a different world, totally unaware of the events unraveling around me. I can hear a faint prayer, and I notice a priest trying to calm me down, but I am in no capacity to understand any of the holy verses. I finally find myself all set for the end. My head swallowed by the serpent, but my soul struggling to tear away. The ground below gives away, and in the free fall, time stops. One last thought flashes in my already saturated and tired mind, I deserved this, and it’s over now…
[ As I see it through the eyes of a truly guilty person placed in solitary confinement and facing the death row. ]
